A few months ago a friend I love died. Then two months later my buddy put his dog down. And two days after that another friend died suddenly. All three of these deaths were impactful and I felt the need to process here on the blog because there are definitely “gems in the poop” as my spiritual teacher would say. The names have been changed for privacy.
Meeting Carol
Many years ago I had a friend who I use to buy weed from. He was a large and lovable guy and at the time I think I probably had a little crush on him. He fit the definitions of intelligent and gregarious. Anyways, he had his own struggles with addiction and got in a lot of trouble by making some terrible life altering choices that landed him in prison for a few years. When I heard about my buddy, Barry, landing in prison I empathized with him being in this shitty situation. I understood how my addiction led me to make bad decisions and where I could never see myself making that particular set of choices, I understood that just because Barry had made them, that didn’t make him a bad person. So, being recently clean and sober and knowing how much letters meant to me while I was in treatment, I began to write.
I wrote him almost every day. Mostly, it was a selfish thing because writing the letters was like processing my life and sending it out into the universe. But I wrote about other stuff too. I wrote down song lyrics to things that had moved me (I look back at it now and think how it would have probably been frustrating not being able to hear them with a simple google). I wrote about things I had read in 12-step literature. I mailed him books that I loved. Finally someone suggested I talk to his mom about visiting him before he was sent further away. I acquired her number and gave his mom a call, her name was Carol. She didn’t know I existed before that day, but I rang and asked if I could arrange a time to go and visit Barry. She was immediately straightforward and said, “I appreciate that you want to go and visit Barry. Many people ended communication with him after he got arrested. I will get you on the schedule to visit him but you need to be really honest with me, if you don’t think you’ll make it or cancel, Please let me know so I can visit him. I don’t want to give away him visitation time and then have him loose out on seeing anyone.” I was a little taken aback at first but I loved it. She was very honest and it was so refreshing. I told her I would definitely honor the commitment.
I visited him, it was my first time going to jail. We chatted and he gave me the low down on his situation. He said he would love another visit sometime and I agreed to come back in the future. About a month later I had to drop something off to his mother so she could mail it to him. I went to her home and she had her garage open. She had a little card table set up near the opening of the garage and she offered me a seat. There was an ashtray and I asked if she minded if I smoked a cigarette. She took one out herself and we settled in. We began a dialogue that stretched over the course of a couple hours. She wanted to know how I had managed to get and stay clean for the year I’d accumulated as if I’d done some kind of magic trick. I knew she was afraid for her boys who had their own struggles with addiction, she didn’t know what to do beyond love them and pray they’d find some peace inside and begin taking care of themselves. I only really knew what had worked for me and told her that most people have to hit a bottom in order to rise up. She was vulnerable with me about her feelings and concerns. She said it gave her hope knowing I had managed to get some clean time.
When mothers day came, I went to the store and bought cards and flowers for my mother, 2 grandmothers, and Carol. Anytime I visited my own grandmother I would go to see Carol because her house was right on the way. We kept in contact and created a beautiful friendship usually meeting for a meal and talking until the restaurant closed. Every time we met she expressed gratitude that I was still doing well and made a point to tell me she was so proud of me. Over time her other son Jerry managed to find the rooms and get cleaned up, a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders knowing her boy was finally safe. Jerry found a wife who had a little clean time too and they fell pregnant. A month later I found out I was pregnant too. I was excited because I knew it was the time to begin a family but I was nervous because I could only hope I was enough to bring a baby into the world. Carol walked me through it all, telling me hilarious storied about her own boys, her birth stories, and the love she felt for them immediately. Talking with Carol was always deep. We talked about life and death and afterlife and evolution and darkness and light. I told her I hoped I had grown myself enough to safely and responsibly care for an infant, she beamed at the upcoming experiences awaiting me. She was a mirror of the best qualities I unconsciously held, and this is why my heart grew so fond of her. She was the type of woman I wanted to be as I stepped into adulthood.
Things Got Busy
I had my son in an unusual way, during a natural disaster, and as things settled down in our community, I settled into motherhood. I got busy, but I kept trying to reach out and connect with Carol. We met for another meal when my son was about a month old and checked in. She told me she was elated to be a grandmother thanks to Jerry and his wife. And she checked in around some of the highs and lows in the flow of her. She let it slip that she was getting sick and that the doctor had prescribed pain medication. She had a little discomfort about me knowing that she was in need of these meds, I assured her I had no judgement and encouraged her to keep talking about it if the meds aren’t making her feel right. I didn’t really understand what the medication was for but a month later she went off the radar. Her boys said she was sick and in and out of the hospital. She stopped having a social media presence almost completely. Finally after a few months of this I called Barry and asked where she was. He told me she had been admitted to another hospital and was awaiting surgery. He gave me her location and I went to go see her.
Carol was very thin and staring at the blank screen of the tv mounted near the ceiling of her room. Her eyes were half open, and when I came in she came back into her body almost immediately. I had my son with me who was now walking and desperately trying to explore her blanket, call button, and bed pan. She was grateful I had brought him and we chatted for a short while before my son started maximizing his fussing. I held her hand and touched her forehead and told her I would come back after her surgery. She said I was welcome anytime. I told her I loved her and left. My brother-in-law was getting married later that week in Mexico so we flew down and had a great family adventure. When we returned my boy picked up some stomach bug and we all got sick. I waited before going to see Carol again because I didn’t want to risk getting her sick. When we were all finally well, I gave Barry a call and asked, “Is she at the same hospital or back at home?” He paused on the phone and said, “I’m so sorry to tell you this, but she died before having her surgery.” I was shocked. I knew she was unwell but this vibrant, strong-willed, beautiful woman was now gone, in a whole different consciousness, and I would not see her on earth again.
Bigger Picture
I believe Earth is our evolutionary playing field and that the purpose of life is to evolve. I had a hard time growing up and to cope started using drugs, binge eating, and purging. As I ended my drug use I started growing myself and learning how to take care of myself. I learned how to let go of shame and guilt. I learned how to stop perpetuating my victimization pattern. I learned how to love myself. But this all took years and years of dedication and compassion for myself during this process. Growing up I learned how to harm myself as a way to control feeling out of control, the work I did was to end the self harm and grow up so I could live a vibrant and peaceful life. When I met Carol, I met someone who understood my struggle, saw my victory, and was proud to have a relationship with me. Carol was a friend who really saw me in a way almost no one really did. She saw the struggle and the fight in me to become well, and loved me exactly where I was. It was a relationship I don’t believe I’ll encounter much again in this lifetime. To honor her, I keep fighting the good fight. I keep setting the example for others so they can see that it is indeed possible to change if you really want it. To honor her, I remember her inner beauty and soft eyes and keep doing the work so I can embody the parts of Carol I will always love and treasure.
I personally think that when we die we go back home, the universe, the big whole where all souls go to become one. I think the veil is actually quite thin between us and them and that they are all close and within reach if we are ready to listen. I believe when we go home we study what we chose to do in this lifetime and see how things went. There is a beautiful book called Journey of Souls that does a great job of describing this process in depth. I think we have many lifetimes on earth because life on earth is full of suffering which births countless opportunities for us to evolve through. In conclusion, understanding the world from this larger perspective brings comfort but we are all humans having a human experience on earth. I have peace knowing the deeper spiritual perspectives on death, but I can still be sad, as a human on earth, that I cannot commiserate in the evolutionary battle with my beautiful friend until we are reunited once again.