One Decade Clean and Sober & Inventory on Bulimia
Ten years ago, my life was very shallow and very out of control. On this day a decade ago I was on an airporter bus on my way to Tucson, Arizona, with my small bag of luggage, a huge bundle of letters and mementos from my friends and family, and an anxious pit in my stomach. It was 4:30am and I cried the entire way to SFO. I hadn’t managed to score anything for the night before and so I was already irritated and restless. I listened to mix CDs my friends had made me, clinging to every word they sang like they were singing my story. The Flaming Lips were dear to me because I knew Steven Drozd had struggled with heroin addiction too. There was comfort in knowing we shared the same habits and rituals and that if he had managed to clean up, then perhaps so could I. ⚠️ Trigger Warning: This blog talks about my eating disorder and some drug use ⚠️
My Eating Disorder
If you’re having trouble understanding people with eating disorders in relationship to food, try looking at it like this: One of the main principles in recovery from addiction is that you should not pick up, no matter what. If you don’t use then you aren’t perpetuating the using, which makes sense. But, for me, food was my first drug of choice and one cannot abstain from eating. If you take the alcohol away from the alcoholic they can’t use it. But if you put a shot glass with an ounce of whiskey in front of an alcoholic and tell them they can have one shot 3 times a day, no more no less, then you can imagine this being a set up for failure. So the eating disordered person needs to find a balance with their drug of choice, food, and they need to do the work to change everything about their relationship with food, and with themselves in order to recover. And, really, alcoholics and addicts who only manage to abstain from using without doing work to change themselves, will usually have a hard time staying clean for any real length of time.
Almost all of my friends were clueless about my eating disorder and when I told them I was going to treatment in a place that specialized in food disorders, they were confused. From my experience, most people don’t understand eating disorders and how someone can repeatedly harm themselves through food or restricting. Most people think it’s as simple as not purging after a meal for a bulimic, or forcing someone to eat who’s anorexic, or putting someone who compulsively binges on a diet. They don’t understand the complexities behind these disorders. When I was on my way to treatment I considered my eating disorder to be a feature of myself that would never leave and that I could not control. But I knew my drug addiction was bad enough where I needed assistance if I ever wanted to live a life without opiates, and that is the biggest reason I chose to go to treatment.
I was 9 years old when I started thinking my body was wrong and unattractive. I felt out of control because I wasn’t rail thin like the media said I should be. By the time I was 12 years old I was so stressed out about my body that I started purging, thinking I would have control over my weight and therefore my happiness.
At its worst, in high school, my relationship with bulimia was all-consuming. I would binge and purge all day long at school and when I got home from school, before my parents got home. A typical day would consist of probably 12 binge and purge cycles. I would feel uncomfortable and to dispel the discomfort, I would eat. Food was absolutely my drug. But then 10 minutes after a huge binge I would have this uncontrollable urge to purge and I would. And then I would have a slight euphoria from it, which I know probably sounds bizarre. It was my way of life many years until I found drugs. Heroin and Oxy were the only other thing that filled the void inside, and when I found them, my binging and purging diminished. I would still act out a few times a week but nowhere near the amount I did in high school. So as I traveled to the airport the morning of March 30th, 2009, I had zero hope of a life without my eating disorder, especially if I wasn’t going to using anymore.
Learning New Ways to Cope
When I was in treatment I mostly used it to help me in my addiction because it was the thing that was bringing me to my rock bottom hard and fast. Treatment gave me a few big gifts: they set me up with the foundation in my belief that I could live with out drugs or alcohol. It also gave me hope that I could find and choose a new way of life with some dedication and honesty. That’s not all I gained from my near 40 days there. I learned how to view food as nourishment instead of something I could disappear into. I learned about portioning and how to eat a diverse plate. I learned how to let go of some of my controlling nature around food and I grew a desire to figure out who I really was.
I had a lot of anxiety growing up and my eating disorder was like a destructive tool I developed that helped me feel in control. ***I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT SAYING THIS IS A GOOD WAY TO CONTROL ANXIETY*** What I am saying is that I was a child in immense distress and turmoil and without knowing what I was really doing, I created a way to feel in control. Even today, I still have a brain that immediately thinks that to feel comfort, I need to binge or purge, just like how in my addiction I would want to use. I don’t act out in eating disordered ways much anymore but every once in a while it still happens. I have done a tremendous work to combat these default coping mechanisms. I learned how to see the feelings that make me want to use/binge/purge as 🚩 red flags 🚩 so that I can identify them as a trigger before I act out. After they are identified I do everything in my power to work with the feelings, I journal, I call someone, I leave to do something that is a healthier option. Once I am in a safer head space I try to understand what it was that made me want to act out. If I have understanding of it, I can try to do something about it.
Let me give you an example. If I have a feeling coming on that I need to cook a whole box of macaroni & cheese, toast, some leftovers and whatever else, I see this as a red flag. I usually want to binge because I’m looking for comfort, or to not feel at all. If I’m eating then my brain sort of turns off, and I feel “comfort” from that because I don’t have to be in the moment that made me uncomfortable in the first place. If what I want to feel is comfort or nothing at all, I look at my options and start a dialogue with myself: “I’m watching my son so maybe we could go on a walk with the stroller. I usually put on a podcast or music, so I’m tuning out a little, I’m doing something good for my body and for my son, and I am leaving the house where I had access to the food in the first place”. Usually after a 45 minute walk outside I feel better and I can move on to the next moment, or try to find where the feeling of wanting to binge started. Maybe I had an argument with my husband that morning or maybe I have a big credit card bill due that I’m a little nervous about, what ever it is, I try to pin point it. Then I can try to understand what is real about that. “My husband is at work now, so I have some space to relax and get clearheaded about my part in the argument”. Or if it’s the credit card… “I will get through it no matter what comes of that. The worst that could happen is that maybe I pay some interest or maybe I need to put spending on credit on hold for a while”. But really that impending doom that I use to feel uncomfortable in order to act out doesn’t hold a lot of weight when I remind myself that I can, actually, get through this moment and really any moment because I have put in the work and I have finally developed some love and compassion for myself.
So What…
So today, I am working on fully understanding what it real about myself and my place in the world. I want to know what is real and be honest with the people I choose to have intimately in my life. To finally be open and honest about my eating disorder and addiction, I take away their power over me. Because I don’t hide this part of my past I get to be in process about it with others and continue my journey of becoming healthy and free. I have used a lot of tools over the years to grow myself but I feel like I need to acknowledge the work I have put in, and what better way than to do so on my 10th anniversary clean and sober. For me this day is not just a marker of abstinence, but the anniversary where I chose to get on the right path and thrive. Thank you to those of you who have seen me on my way through this journey. And stay tuned for more.
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Beautifully written Nicole. Raw in places where it needs to be, and moving in it’s entirety. You have become wise beyond your years. Now that I’ve found it, I will be a regular visitor to your well constructed site. All my love, Grandpa
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