Making Amends

This blog has become a tool for me to take a hard look back at what I have done in my addiction and who I am becoming post addiction. It is like journaling but it’s bigger than that. I get to go into these moments where I created pain and suffering for myself and others and write out my process as my truth. I get to take stock in my part of the past, which takes a lot of the power out of it.

As I write this entry I am simultaneously doing my amends step as a part of my recovery. The point of this step is that we look at the harm we caused ourselves and others and acknowledge it, take responsibility for it, and try to make it right if there is a way we can do that. I have done this process before when I first got clean and made some big amends for my biggest mistakes but I eventually got to the place where I felt like I should start them over again.

When I made the list of people I needed to make amends to, it wasn’t long. When authentic work is done we make the amends in the moment but sometimes we bury things inside that we don’t want to see because it hurts and we aren’t ready to look at it. When I started blogging I found some little pockets of shame I was burying still and so these were the first ones to go on that amends list.

Going Towards the Discomfort

In my last post I was looking into some of the codependent relationships I co-created with some of my past boyfriends and friends. This is where I realized I still had a lot of shame around a particular past relationship and I probably needed to put him back on my list.

We had dated and during that time my addiction blossomed and grew into a manifestation of my inner monster. I wanted him to fill the void inside me and he wouldn’t. I thought that was him not loving me at the time and I thought I was unlovable because he wouldn’t conform to what my mind “needed” him to be. It was a message I told myself to stay trapped in a cycle of self-pity and self-harm. I used him in this way, I see that now, and that is where the shame has been left to grow and toil like fungus under the floorboards. Looking back, I realize I was attached to an illusion of what I thought a loving partner was. One thing I’ve learned through my work on myself is that the attachment to illusions is very powerful. I think it’s common for people to see what they want to see and if it doesn’t fit their vision then they make excuses for it to stay blind and stuck in the illusion.

So what does one do with this new found self awareness? The old me would nail those floorboards down again until the foundation of the house collapsed but the new me knew the only way to kill the beast is to shine light on it and go towards it. And so I sent my ex a text.

Loaded With Feelings

We have remained in a distant and very surface level friendship over the years. Mostly because I felt like I had done so much harm that I needed to leave him alone permanently. He never seemed to mind when I texted or ran into him. If I did accidentally run into him we would usually have a pleasant and humorous conversation that would make me smile, but moments after it ended I would start to remember what I did to him and shame would seep in. I would tell myself that I deserved to feel the shame and that he didn’t deserve to have to put up with me. My inner voice repeatedly told me that if I did call and apologize again that it was selfish and not for him at all. This method of thinking kept me from looking at that relationship again for almost a decade. I used the excuse that I had already made amends to him so I probably shouldn’t continue to bother him. It was the perfect equation to keep myself trapped and hurting.

When I finally had awareness of the pattern I had to go towards it. I began a text, “Hey, can I call you?” and starred at it. I entered his name in the contacts field and took a deep breath. This was the moment I had been trying to avoid, but the discomfort finally outweighed the “comfort” I thought I had by not looking at it. I sent it and threw my phone across the bed and started journaling. I knew if we would be talking I needed to be connected to the train of thought I was in before texting. I didn’t want to distract myself with Netflix or food because if he said yes and called I could very well screw this amends up again. I needed to be 100% connected to the one who looked under the floorboards, that was my spirit taking me down a road to freedom.

He answered within a half hour and said “Yea, it’s ok, call away”. I called and we chit chatted a for few minutes. He did what he always did, joked and made me feel comfortable, and it was like no time had passed. A natural moment came up to bring in what I wanted to and it felt right. I told him about the blog and how it was bringing up things I felt like I needed to correct. He and I went into some of what he remembered and he made sure that I knew he remembered it differently than I did. He said he looked back fondly on those times and that, sure, there were some things that weren’t great but that he was in his process, too. He said it was all alright and that watching me go through treatment and begin to heal was what he’d hoped for me all along. We then talked for over an hour, and I had no seeping in regret or sense of shame. I was free from my my own chains of remorse.

Intended Purpose

Was this what making amends was supposed to look and feel like? At its deepest intention was it supposed to set me free? I believe this is the exact reasoning behind making amends, to help give yourself the freedom to live by making it right with your past. And even though it took me years of searching inside to find those shame pockets that were hiding, perhaps I wasn’t truly ready for the relief the amends process gave me. I still have moments where I realize Im trying to bury my feelings and shame but perhaps the apex of this lifetime will be the point when I am ready to face it all with compassion for my self and my journey. Either way, I have time and perfection is not required.